Funny Dad Jokes

My friend couldn't afford his water bill. So I sent him a get well card.

Me: Did you steal my thesaurus? Horse: nope

I met my wife on a camping trip. Some people say she's unattractive, with a bland personality, but I find her pretty in tents.

James Bond once slept right through an earthquake. He was shaken, not stirred

I just got back from China; I feel pretty disoriented.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

My battery died when I was recording my wife giving a toast at her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. Now I'll never hear the end of it.