Funny Dad Jokes

They’re prison guards because they’re not tall enough to be prison centers.

I’m trying to convince my wife to get me a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Did you hear about the inmate with a stutter who died in prison? He was never able to finish his sentence.

Before my surgery my anesthesiologist asked me if I'd prefer to go with gas, or to get hit in the head with a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader. The look on his face was priceless.

My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. The next diaper change could spell disaster.

What do you call a can opener that's broken? A can't opener.