Funny Dad Jokes

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat. The bartender says "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel?" The pirate replied "Arr, I got a bounty on me head!"

I ate four cans of alphabet soup...then had the biggest vowel movement ever.

My son told me he didn't understand cloning. I told him, "that makes two of us."

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe you idiot, breathe!"

I buy my guns from a T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 40 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.

My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.