Dad Jokes

My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond. That's a lot of pressure...

A guy just told me that my wife and my daughter look like sisters. It's like they were separated at birth!

My wife accused me of having zero empathy. I don't understand why she feels that way.

My friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, and I didn't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.

If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

I've developed a phobia of negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them!