Dad Jokes

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

I can't find my Gone In 60 Seconds DVD. It was here a minute ago...

Did you see Trump's State of the Union speech? Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.

I think the decision to legalize marijuana was a joint effort made by high government officials.

How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted? Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, “are you a vet?” He said "vet? I am completely soaking!"

Don't be worried about your smart phone and TV spying on you. Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!